Hipster, Jock, Nerd, Brainiac, or None of the Above?
Fitting into the social scene in high school.... Sounds like risky business. How do you even start?
Easy answer: Be comfortable with yourself.
Hard answer: Be comfortable with yourself.
Easy to say, hard to live by. So let’s talk.
Maybe you’re just starting high school or you’re a transfer student. Or perhaps it’s a new year and you want a fresh start. You want good friends and at least decent grades. You want to feel comfortable, have a fun life, explore new things.
A big hurdle: The tyranny of cool – the belief that cool rules. And the pressure teens have to please that ruler.
Okay, maybe you’re one of the few – very few – people who are naturally cool. You wear the right clothes or look good in your school uniform. You’re good at sports or a great student or the star of the drama department. You’re funny and easy with other kids. You’ve got the latest tech devices. Whatever’s cool at your school, you have it. You may be screaming inside, but it doesn’t show.
Odds are, though, that you’re like most of the teens around you – you’re a little tense, a little unsure, average at most things and good at a few. You’re funny and relaxed sometimes, but not nearly as often as you’d like to be. You want to meet new people but don’t know how. Sometimes you hide behind your phone and pretend you don’t care that you’re sitting alone.
First, let’s change the way we talk. That can help us change the way we think.
Forget “fitting in.”
That implies you’re going to change yourself to be like others. Let’s think instead of “belonging.” Belonging is about finding your tribe, your group, your buddies who like you the way you are. Or maybe just a couple of good friends. You share interests – football, chess, gaming, hip hop, choir, cricket. You don’t have to change yourself or fake it to belong. You probably don’t share all of the same interests, but that’s okay, too. These are your peeps, and you can be natural with them. Even if you make mistakes or say dumb things occasionally, they might tease you, but it’s no big deal.
“Fitting in” is having to squeeze your foot into too-small shoes. Pretending you’re interested when you don’t give a rip. Snickering at jokes you don’t think are funny. Criticizing people who aren’t part of the clique. Not talking about things you enjoy (stamp collecting! birdwatching! knitting!) because no one else talks about them. Hiding your interest in school or pretending you’re more interested than you really are. Going along to get along, even when you know better.
Sounds awful, doesn’t it?
How much more fun – how much cooler – to be natural, authentic. Honest about what you know and don’t know, not trying to impress anyone but also not afraid to share your talents.
This might require courage. But it’ll feel a ton better than trying desperately to fit in.
Sometimes it takes work to find people you really like to hang with. That work can come in the form of pushing yourself to start conversations, walking into club meetings where you may not know anyone, risking being ignored occasionally. You can handle it. But how?
Rather than talking about yourself, ask questions about the other person. Nothing wrong with keeping it simple: What did you think of that math test today? Have you seen the new Star Wars movie? Nod or say hi to people in the corridors. Be friendly and polite – hold doors for someone with their hands full, help them pick up dropped books. Being friendly and courteous comes out light years ahead of cool. Maybe not right away, but eventually and always.
Don’t disappear in class. Speak up sometimes. You don’t have to sit in the front row and wag your hand constantly, but don’t just act like a coat rack, either. It can be helpful to write down a possible comment or question when you’re doing homework. No need to put big pressure on yourself, but be kinda ready if the chance comes up to talk. And if it doesn’t – well, there’s always another school day.
Joining a club or playing a sport is also a great way to meet potential friends – friends you already have something in common with. Sometimes it’s good to try something new. Who knows? Your body’s changing – you’re becoming more coordinated, taller, stronger – and maybe you’re ready for a new sport.
Remember – this is about doing what you want – not trying to be who they like.
That’s powerful stuff.
Maybe you’re naturally hip, athletic, techy, and/or smart. Maybe music is your thing. Nice – you’ve got a groove.
Or maybe you’re “none of the above” – no particular groove at all.
That can work, too.
Being average is – drum roll here – a pretty average thing to be. It has advantages. “Average” or “basic” means you’re fairly good at different things, maybe not great at any of them. You might be an average hockey player. Every team needs ’em, and you won’t have the same pressure as the team star.
You might be an average dancer – not usually in the front row on stage, but one of the many in the middle. You could still have all the fun and friendship that comes with being on a team/in an ensemble/part of a troupe.
You could look about average or make average grades.
Can you be fine with this?
Because what you really want is to be happy, right? You can specialize in other things – being funny or kind or telling great stories. Being the one who organizes movie nights or makes killer jalebis. If you don’t play sports, maybe you help manage the team. If nothing on Earth could get you to dance and sing in front of an audience, work the sound and light boards, or paint the set. If you’re not interested in any of the clubs at your school, start a new one.
One year at a school, several students started a “Random Acts of Kindness” club built around doing nice things for other people. They cleaned up around campus, made cupcakes to give away, spent a Saturday afternoon at a home for seniors. The club became immensely popular and was filmed by the local TV news station. The students involved wanted to do something outside the norm. They had an original idea and ran with it.
You don’t have to fit into somebody else’s box either.
The high school social scene can actually be fun – a chance to chill and meet new people. But you have to be willing to defy King Cool sometimes. Drop the idea of pleasing the tyrant.
Relax. Be comfortable with yourself. You got this.
The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself.
Rita Mae Brown
To see how one diverse group of teens found music in common, check out a great video on YouTube:
One Voice: “America’s Got Talent 2016 Audition – One Voice 12 Member Acapella Group Powerful Vocals” at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n49t-6GaRYA