My Parents Say I’m Driving Them Crazy
Slammed any doors lately?
Maybe your parents say you’re driving them crazy, but are they driving you crazy, too?
Always on your case.... Where you go. When you come home. Who you hang out with. Homework. Grades. Screen time. Cleaning the house. Even worse, cleaning your room. The list could be endless.
What’s up with all this conflict? And how can you get your parents to chill and just appreciate having wonderful you around?
“What’s up” is the fact that you’re growing up. You’re not a little kid anymore, and you don’t want to be treated like one. That’s important, natural, and positive.
However, sometimes it seems like parents haven’t gotten the message. They still treat you like you’re years younger. That may be natural, too, but it doesn’t feel so positive.
Sometimes it seems like a million things are more important than obeying your parents. You have a lot going on that they don’t have a clue about – not necessarily bad things, but stuff you just don’t share with them.
You want your parents to see you as the maturing teen you are, but you sometimes act immature. You yell. You stomp out of the room. Maybe throw things. They ask you to do something simple, and you find a ton of really logical reasons to delay.
Empty the dishwasher? Now? Really? Before the TV show is over? In the middle of a video game? While you’re texting a group chat?
Arguing and delaying. You’re resisting authority both actively and passively.
Sometimes your parents yell back. They don’t know what happened to the “old you.” You’re both frustrated.
First, see what’s good about the situation. Becoming more independent is a crucial part of becoming a young adult. It takes courage to stand up for yourself, to assert that you’re not just “a little kid” any more. At the same time, let’s face it – we all have to follow rules sometimes. Ask yourself if this is one of those times....
Second, be smarter about this whole thing. Go for being rational over being mad.
Acting like a little kid is a lousy way to prove you’re not a little kid.
Most of the people who throw tantrums – yell, stomp, slam – are upset toddlers or angry teens. (If your parents are regularly doing those things, let them know how their behavior affects you. Perhaps you have a relative or close family friend you can also talk to.)
Okay, being rational is really hard when you’re mad. Your still-developing prefrontal cortex (the bit that allows you to step back and think about your reaction) has been hijacked by your amygdala (“I want it, and now”). (See Chapter 2 on the teen brain). Hit pause. Say you need a few minutes to think or take a walk.
Consider how you’d present your side to an adult who wasn’t your parent. What points would you want to make? What are the strengths and weaknesses of your ideas? (Word up here: You’re going to have to do better than “Everybody else gets to.” While that’s a strong argument from a teen point of view, you want to convince adults, and they want to see you develop your own independent, mature thinking.)
It’s also fine to admit that you still want to please your parents. Underneath any opposition and all the ways you “question authority” is a person who still wants to make Mama and Baba / Mom and Dad happy, to shine for them. And guess what? They still want to make you happy, too. Remember that you bring joy and laughter into the family, not just a load of problems. Together, the whole family can figure out the issues. That’s the way love works.
All of you just need to find a way for that love to flow through the changes of the teen years.
The place you’ve traditionally had in your family is shifting. Maybe you were always so easy to get along with, polite, good at schoolwork, eager to do things with your parents. Now you don’t want to hang out with them nearly as much as you want to spend time with your friends. Often, you’d rather be on your phone than talking to your folks.
If this were a book for parents, I’d ask them to be great models for you. To be patient when you aren’t, firm when they know they’re right. To answer your yelling with a calm voice. To remember that biology is playing a big part here and that you’ll continue to grow up – physically and emotionally. To remember also that they’ll have to change, too. That you represent a new generation in a changing world.
But since this is a book for teens, I’m going to ask you to be a great model for yourself. Imagine the best version of you. Your own version, not your parents’. Maybe you’re an artist. Maybe you tear up the soccer field. Or paint or skateboard or write. Great!
Those are things you do, but what kind of person is doing them?
Is this version of you happy? Independent? Grateful? Do you have goals? Self-respect? Friends?
Or do you feel stuck in gloom and irritability, mad at yourself and most other people?
I doubt that’s what you prefer, even if you do feel like that sometimes.
So work for what you really want. Make the right choice about the way you act – one that your best self is proud of.
Remember Dumbledore from Harry Potter? He was wise about everything, and he said, “It is not our abilities that show who we really are; it’s our choices.”