Where Are You From?
If you wish you had even a little money for every time you’ve been asked that, read on.
Maybe you fit into a category; maybe you don’t. Global nomad. TCK (Third Culture Kid, with family from one culture, living in another, and creating a third, blended, culture for yourself). NRI (Non-resident Indian). Stranger in a strange land.
The world is changing. Everyone these days is adjusting to cultural, ethnic, and religious diversity. Maybe your parents were born in one country but have emigrated. Perhaps you speak one language at home and a different one at school. Maybe you translate for the elders in your family. Your parents expect different things from you than other parents do from their children. Perhaps your skin is a different color than most of the people around you.
Or your family lives in one country and you go to boarding school in another one. Or an international boarding school inside your home country.
You wonder where you really fit in, where ‘home’ is. Maybe you feel like you don’t belong anywhere, even in your own family.
Perhaps you juggle cultures – one at home, another at school, another with your friends, and yet another out in public. To some degree, everyone has to keep different balls up in the air in different settings. For you, though, they don’t ever seem to land. You’re “code-switching” with more than just language.
What are your unique advantages and unique problems?
As we figure that out, let’s look at relationship patterns that can apply to TCKs, immigrants, and global nomads everywhere.
Foreigner – If this is you, it’s understandable if you feel like “a stranger in a strange land.” You don’t look like the people around you. You may not sound like them, either, even if you’re speaking the same language. You see the world differently in lots of ways. You have different traditions, different favorite foods, histories, and social expectations.
Hidden Immigrant – Oh, sure, you look like everyone else, but you’re not really like them. You wear the same kinds of clothes – a baseball cap, jeans, skirt, hijab, turban, or salwar kameez. Lots of others have your same color skin, and you speak alike. But you’re not. Perhaps you were born in another country. Perhaps you’ve lived outside of your family’s original culture for years, and when you return, it doesn’t feel like home. People around you assume you think and believe like they do because you look similar. But you don’t.
Adopted – Okay, you don’t look like most of the people around you, but that doesn’t mean anything. Or does it? You’re perfectly at home where you live – perhaps you were born there or have lived there for years. However, some people treat you like you don’t belong because you look different. They might make assumptions that aren’t true, and “Where are you from?” is something you hear waaaay too much.
Mirror – If you fit the “mirror” pattern, you’re a global nomad/TCK/NRI who fits in both physically and culturally. You’ve adopted the deeper levels of the culture around you. That means that you have similar views on lots of things, like dating, respect for old people, whether or not being on time is important, or gender roles. But what happens if you leave? Maybe your parents want to return to their original culture. Maybe you want to go to university somewhere else. Will you need to adjust?
People whose lives involve different cultures code-switch more frequently than those who know only one culture. In its simplest form, code-switching is going back and forth between different languages. That requires a lot more than just choosing different words. One language may have a more formal way to address parents and teachers. Or give status to one gender over another. Joke more. Maybe what’s funny in English is a big thud in Hindi, or the other way around.
Maybe you have to “code-switch” in lots of ways even in one language. Everyone does sometimes. You talk about things with your buddies that you’d never mention to your family. You yell at your best friend sometimes, but never at your grandmother. But, for you, this switching happens more than just sometimes – it can be the way you live most of the time. That’s stressful.
But it also helps you develop social smarts. You’re someone who picks up invisible cues. And cultural codes are written in invisible ink.
When you first arrive at a new culture (school, country, social group), it’s typical to feel clueless. Best to breathe deeply and go slowly. Lots of things are different. For example, in some places, opening a gift as soon as you get it is normal; in others, that’s seen as greedy. Showing the bottom of shoe soles is very offensive in many Arab, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist countries, but no problem in others. Asking “What do you do?” is common in some places but insulting in others – like asking “How much money do you earn?”
If you need to learn a new set of social expectations, relax, give yourself time, be positive. You’ll get it.
First, you probably speak more than one language – maybe several. What a huge advantage in life – socially, intellectually, and professionally.
You understand different customs and traditions. You might see different points of view more easily than others. Because you’ve had to adapt to different cultures, you are often, well, more adaptable.
You’re observant – something you may have learned the hard way. You’ve learned to look around and ask yourself, “How does life work here?”
You know people in more than one country.
Universities and employers are eager for your talents.
You have lots going for you.
And some challenges, too.
You need to adapt to different languages – not just the words, but the slang and idioms, too. Humor, respect, rebellion, flirtation, how much is too much....
Loyalties can be confusing. Politics, patriotism, and values can conflict between nations. And whose football team do you root for?
If you live outside your home culture long enough, you can start to feel like you just don’t know/understand it anymore.
Figuring out your own values can be harder when you juggle different cultural values. You may feel guilty or disloyal about adopting new attitudes and beliefs. Switching between cultures might end up with your feeling lonely and tired. Or angry. Or like you’ll never fit in.
You may face racism. To some people, the color of your skin matters more than what’s in your heart or head. You may deal with racist attitudes and stereotypes in school and public places. It can get very ugly. Islamic terrorists. The ‘N’ word. Immigrants stealing jobs. Asian whiz kids stealing the top college admissions. Hold on to your inner confidence and pride. You don’t want ignorant and bigoted ideas to affect your heart and mind, and you certainly don’t want to start having those ideas yourself. If you’ve ever been judged by your skin/accent/social class, you know how painful those bullying judgments can be.
Hand-in-hand with racist beliefs are religious prejudices and lack of understanding. Many people know very little (or nothing) of others’ sacred teachings, cultural practices, or traditional dress. Unfortunately, many teens who are “foreigners,” “hidden immigrants,” or “adopted” (see definitions above) find that people from the dominant culture around them don’t understand the differences between Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus, or Buddhists. They may not know what a hijab is, or a keffiyeh. They may think that everyone who wears a turban is Arabic. They may not appreciate that you have religious celebrations and high holy days of your own.
And if you don’t understand other cultures and religions, educate yourself. Spend time with someone of a different race, a different faith. Nothing removes prejudice as thoroughly as one person getting to know another.
How do you wade through the challenges and prejudices you find when cultures cross each other (and sometimes clash)?
There are lots of different styles and sizes of boots you can wear as you stride/stomp/dance through different cultures.
So get your feet (heart/spirit/mind) a little protection.
One thing that’s helpful is acknowledging that TCKs/NRIs/global nomads have some unique issues. You want people to understand your struggles – which isn’t a unique desire, but which may be harder in your case. Many people are clueless about your challenges, or they forget to remember what you’re dealing with.
Speak up, be honest, repeat as needed. Your school and community very likely have programs to tackle the issues of racism and religious intolerance. You can get involved or start your own.
No one is born hating another person because of the color of their skin. People have to learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love.
Nelson Mandela
Find friends who understand or who will work on understanding. And who will remember to remember that you sometimes get confused and unsure about things they take for granted.
Highly recommended: Find friends you can hang out with in person, not just online.
Talk to your parents and family. If that’s hard for you, maybe start by giving them something to read about NRI/TCK/nomad teens, such as Third Culture Kids. 3ʳᵈ Edition: Growing Up Among Worlds (see the “If you want to dig deeper” section at the end of this book).
Be honest with your teachers and school counselors. You don’t have to talk to every teacher you have; just start with one. Ask for a few minutes to sit down together. Or if that makes you too nervous, begin with an email. You don’t need to go into lots of detail – just tell them how you’re doing, what you’re struggling with, what comes easy for you. And if you don’t want to speak to other teachers, ask the one you choose to pass on the conversation. Trust me on this: Teachers love to talk about their students. They’re happy to relay helpful info about you.
You need to help people help you with your challenges. Be honest. Be real.
Be comfortable with yourself. Not perfect, not totally cool all the time, not the best at everything. But wonderful anyway. You – unique among the billions on Planet Earth.