Bullying
He was different from the other students. Damian was sick a lot and always behind with his work. He seemed less mature, sometimes blurting out random things in class. Nobody wanted to be his partner in lab work. In a school where sports were idolized, he wasn’t athletic. A few students made mean, sarcastic comments to him behind the teacher’s back.
Damian was a prime target for bullies. He often got shoved roughly in the halls and taunted. When a guy walked up behind him one morning and punched him in the kidneys, his parents and the school administration got involved. No one hit Damian again, but the remarks became even more vicious. Halfway through the academic year, his parents transferred him to another school.
Sachi had a group of friends to hang out with – have lunch, text, group chat with in the evening. Things were going fine, except she really wanted more attention from guys. Sachi wanted to change that, and she made a big mistake.
Sachi sent revealing pictures of herself to a couple of popular guys in her school.
The photos were sent from one student to another. Then the cyberbullying began. Classmates called her terrible names and declared that no one should talk to her. Rumors spread through group chats that she’d sent the photos to every boy in the senior class.
Sachi became withdrawn. Fortunately, a couple of close friends stuck by her. Outside classes, she stayed near them whenever she could and walked with her head down, trying to ignore the dirty looks and mean comments. At lunch, she and her friends began to eat in the classroom of a teacher they liked, where Sachi felt safe.
The school year crept by. Eventually, the gossipers found something new and lost interest. Sachi got through it with the help of friends and supportive adults. Unfortunately, she’d learned the hard way that once you hit “send,” what happens after that is out of your hands.
Damians and Sachis sit in every classroom and attend every synagogue, gurdwara, or church. It doesn’t matter if they go to a private or public school. Having strict parents makes no difference. They still have to live in a world that is not always kind.
Why does anyone bully someone else? Who gets bullied and who does the bullying? How can we help?
Bullying is a power play. It happens when a person or group of people have power and want to take advantage of someone who doesn’t. They’re worried about staying powerful. They get aggressive – either verbally, physically, or online.
Bullies generally choose a victim who appears defenseless. Someone they can challenge or torment without being held accountable and punished for what they do.
Teens who are bullied are often alone in their struggle. They tend to be seen as “outsiders” by other teens – perhaps not cool, maybe physically different in some way, with few friends and low self-esteem. Maybe they’re just new to the school or very shy. Gay and transgender teens and those with disabilities are especially vulnerable, as are ethnic minorities and students living in poverty. Racism and bullying are sometimes tied together. (See the chapter “Where Are You From?”)
People who are being bullied often don’t see anyone jumping in to help them.
In movies, bullies are usually mean-looking guys with big tats covering huge biceps. In real life, a bully can be any size, gender, or race. They tend to have social or physical power and are overly concerned with being popular and in control. Bullying has been described as theatre – with the bully on stage and those he or she bullies as an audience of one or more. The bully needs some kind of reaction. And the more people who see the performance, the better.
Bullies often don’t care how their victims feel. They do care how they are seen by others. They want to appear to be in control. For most of us, deliberately hurting someone else feels awful. (We know that, right? We’ve occasionally been mean ourselves. But we didn’t keep it up. It felt too bad.)
People who habitually bully others aren’t stopped by seeing their victims hurt, either physically or emotionally. If they don’t feel it themselves, they don’t care. Or perhaps they think it’s cool to be indifferent. If they can begin to care, they can begin to change. Bullies, just like everybody else, can become better human beings.
Listen to Shane Koyczan tell his story. “To This Day” (video) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY
- If you’re feeling vulnerable, try to keep a friend with you.
- Stay near adults. Most bullying happens in places where there aren’t any adults.
- Look the bully in the eye and tell them, calmly and clearly, to stop bullying you.
- If you can, respond with humor. Make a joke. You can even agree with the bully (you know it’s silly but it catches him or her off guard). Use whatever interrupts the ‘performance.’
- If speaking up is too hard, walk away and stay away. Or you may choose to learn assertiveness and, if you want, self-defense.
Never share passwords, online, even with friends. Don’t be fooled into giving your passwords to anyone. Be very careful about posting private photos or personal data. You can’t know who will see them or where they will end up.
Think before your fingers start tapping. You never know what someone will forward. What goes online usually stays online. Being kind to others online is the right way to be and will also help keep you safe. Especially if you’re angry or sad, give yourself time to calm down before you post or respond. Avoid those regrets that come with knowing you should’ve waited before you lashed out online.
Remember that you don’t need to respond at all. You have that choice and that power.
Consider the grandma rule. Never post anything you wouldn’t be comfortable with your grandmother seeing. (Or if your grandma’s a reckless texter herself, think of a future employer viewing all those old postings you regret, before interviewing you for that job you really want.)
Tell an adult if you read or see something that scares you or makes you sad.
When you make comments about someone else, imagine how you would feel if they said the same thing about you.
- Save everything – emails, messages, posts, screenshots. Print these out or save them on your home computer. Don’t delete anything until you have saved a copy. You don’t need to re-read them, which can be upsetting. Just know you have them.
- Tell a trusted adult.
- Tell someone at your school. Even if the cyber-bullying is happening outside of school hours and not on school grounds, counselors, and administrators can sometimes help you stop it. In some instances, they have no legal standing but will keep a watchful eye over bullied and bullying students.
- Report harassing comments, fake profiles, and inappropriate photos directly to the social media site.
Bullying is scary. But there are safe ways you can help stop it.
If you see something, say something. Adults need to know what’s going on. Since bullying usually happens when adults aren’t around (physically or electronically), someone needs to let them know.
Be kind to the person who’s been bullied. Sit with them, walk down the hall with them, send a friendly text. You don’t have to talk about the bullying; you can just have a normal chat. This is especially helpful if the bullying has taken the form of trying to destroy a person’s reputation. Being kind to someone who’s been bullied is you standing up to the bullies. It’s you living your values. And the bully gets a strong message that what’s been happening isn’t okay.
Schools can – and should – start programs to teach the whole school community about bullying – students, teachers, parents, janitors, secretaries, cafeteria workers – everyone.
There are ways that, with time and care, bullies can see how their actions have wounded others. Not everyone who’s a childhood bully grows up to become an adult bully.
- Be kind.
- Speak up.
- Organize a group to prevent bullying.
- Be the kind of person you wish the world were full of.