“Don’t Worry, Be Happy....” Really?
Tara has trouble sleeping. Often she just curls up with her phone under the bed covers and listens to music as the night creeps by. After several hours, she drifts into a light sleep.
No surprise that she’s tired the next day. School, which once seemed interesting, is now just plain dull. Sure, she has friends, but they’re not as interesting as they used to be, either.
Her favorite thing to do is nothing. Maybe watch videos.
She wants to be left alone, to hibernate.
It seems that no one can reach her. When Tara isn’t depressed, she’s constantly anxious about something – grades, her future, her body, friends, boys, pleasing her parents.
Tara is struggling with both anxiety and depression. And the puzzling thing is: It seems that Tara has nothing to be anxious or depressed about. Or at least that’s what other people think. She has a good family, nice friends, she’s cute, she’s doing okay on the volleyball team, her grades are decent. What has she got to be worried about?
To Tara, nearly everything.
She’s part of an epidemic of overwhelmed teenagers. The World Health Organization reports that depression is the major cause of illness and disability for both males and females 10–19 years old. The most vulnerable population is girls, often girls who are performing well in school and have loving families and friends. However, both sexes and every part of society are at risk – teens from wealthy or poor families, from cities or rural areas, college-bound or not.
The pros who study adolescents have a few answers. They tell us that today’s teens:
- Have struggled through a pandemic, seeing livelihoods lost as well as lives. They’ve been isolated from friends and often family members, found their social lives reduced to six feet apart wearing a mask, struggled to engage with school online, and feared for both the long-term health and economic effects of COVID-19. And while pandemics are, thankfully, very rare, they know that epidemics (diseases that sweep through a region rather than across the world) continue to be a looming threat.
- May experience conflicts with parents – who sometimes have alcohol or drug problems – bullying at school, sexual aggression, moving to a new city or new country, understanding cultural differences, hearing or seeing reports of disturbing events. All of these issues of living in our modern, hyper-connected world can especially plague teens.
- Understand that we are facing a global environment crisis. They see videos of the Amazon rain forest ablaze, oil spills polluting oceans and shores, and mountains of plastic swirling through the seas. They’ve heard about or lived through wildfires, extreme storms, rising temperatures, and the extinction of plant and animal species. Sometimes the world looks scary.
- Have seen social/political/human rights movements change their societies, for better or for worse. The rise of the Black Lives Matter and other human rights movements, struggles of refugees and displaced peoples, and polarized political opinions can create real hope but also a challenging sense of uncertainty.
But, huge as these issues are, perhaps the major contributor to the wave of depressed and anxious teens is – you guessed it – social media. Today’s young people hit puberty at the same time social media hit society. They rarely get and seldom take a break from this constant stimulus. That’s exhausting.
Most teens are overexposed, which is wearing them out physically, mentally, and emotionally. Their relationships are 24/7 as they text, chat, and send videos to friends from before breakfast until they fall asleep – often with phones tucked next to their pillows. They do homework on one screen with another nearby streaming a TV show. They play games on their phones at the same time they watch TV. They eat dinner, ride in a car, and walk down the sidewalk while looking at small screens. The stimulation is constant. Despite the benefits of social media – keeping in touch with friends! creating a sense of belonging! giving people a voice to speak out! self-expression! – it often throws life out of balance. This excessive techno-focus erodes the ability to be still inside, to wonder, think, analyze, and imagine.
Anxiety is normal. All of us worry at least a little. But anxiety disorders are more than just “a little” worry. For people with these disorders, the worry doesn’t go away after a few days or weeks and can be uncontrollable. Anxious teens may have trouble with concentration, irritability, and muscle tension. They may have trouble falling and staying asleep, and may withdraw from family and friends. Sometimes an anxious person will speak up about their anxiety; sometimes they will try to hide it.
Depression is common and can be serious. A depressed mood can take away your pleasure in life. The symptoms of depression may leave you sad or irritable most of the time. You may eat or sleep too much or too little, and may not be able to concentrate. Often depressed teens feel hopeless.
Everybody gets a bit anxious and depressed from time to time. Most teens sometimes worry about their lives or feel low for many reasons. However, if that anxiety or depression lasts for more than a couple of weeks, take another look at what’s going on. Are you also having problems with energy, concentration, sleeping, or eating? Are you unable to shake doubts about your abilities, appearance, or personality?
If so, please get help. Tell your parents, a counselor, or a good friend.
Be kind to yourself. You’re not alone. Talking to a trusted friend or counselor can ease your mind and heart.
At times, anxiety spikes. You can be sitting around eating dinner, in a good mood, and suddenly remember that your mid-term exams are coming up sooner than you realized. Or your piano recital. Or swim competition. Whatever.
Pound goes the heart. You can’t quite seem to breathe. Maybe your stomach is churning like crazy. Maybe you’re getting dizzy. You’re really afraid.
This is a panic attack.
Breathe. Literally. Take a long breath in and blow it slowly out. Feel the air enter your nose, go down your throat, and fill your stomach. Then push it gently back up and out. Slooooowly. Do it again and again.
Get someone to help if you want, or you can help yourself. Maybe you need to lie alone in a room and breathe deeply. Maybe you need someone to hold your hand and speak gently or get a cold cloth for your head. Or a cup of tea. Or a bowl of ice cream. Or all of these.
Having someone who will help in these ways is wonderful but not always possible. So lie down. Take more deep breaths. Get yourself comfortable. Curl up if you want. Put on soft music, and then when you feel better, get up for that tea or ice cream or cold cloth. Turn on a fan or burrow under blankets.
Doesn’t that feel good? Focus on it. Feel the blanket laying on your shoulders, the warmth of the teacup against your fingers, or the softness of the pillow under your head. When you concentrate on what feels good, bad feelings automatically decrease. Fortunately, that’s the way the brain works.
To decrease worry, shift your attention to your body. Feel your feet inside your socks, the rub of your shirt on your back, the weight of your fingers. The mind doesn’t seem built to think about these things AND to worry. What a relief.
Then, decide which of your relatives or friends you can reach out to.
Here’s what a few teens have said:
“Please don’t tell me I’m not doing anything with my life. I need someone to be there for me. I need someone to tell me I’m doing everything I can to heal. Please tell me you’re proud of me.”
“Thank you for putting up with my roller coaster. Know that I love you very much, even at my worst moments.”
“I appreciate your wisdom, but I also have to find my own way.”
“Don’t be ashamed of me. I do the best I can.”
What would you like to say? Can you say it? Or write it?
You know this, but here’s a reminder: Your parents love you more than anyone else does. That’s beautiful. And valuable. They want to help. They may not know how, but they want to.
Use that help.
- Talk about the real stuff. Go beyond dentist appointments, rides to school, grades, and chores. Instead of “How did school go today?” [You know the answer already: “Fine.”], try “What was the best part of your day?” Or, “What are you studying in history?” Maybe, “How are you getting along with your friends these days?” Listen. Find out how their life is going and what their dreams are.
- Pay attention, but don’t smother them. Give them a chance to grow up and separate from you, but also watch for changes in the way they behave. If you’re worried, say so. Show interest in how they feel and think without being judgmental or critical. Be honest and positive. There is always something your teen is doing well. There is always something to be proud of. Share authentic compliments with your teen.
- Resist getting angry. If your teen is hiding something or getting into trouble, trade anger for information. Find out what’s going on. You can say directly, “It looks like you’re having trouble. I’m here to help. Tell me what’s happening with you.”
- Don’t put off getting help. Talk to a school counselor, therapist, or doctor. It’s better to get help early rather than wait until trouble boils over.
- Involve the whole family. When your teen is in crisis, many times it’s not enough to focus only on the child – you may have to change the ways in which the entire family interacts. Perhaps something about the home or other situations is causing stress for your child. Be open to that possibility and to getting family or marriage counseling if needed.
You can thank Fadi Haddad, a psychiatrist and co-author of Helping Kids in Crisis, for this list (even though your teen isn’t a ‘kid’ anymore).
You don’t have to constantly feel worried or sad. Anxiety and depression are treatable and common. Too often, people don’t want to admit they have problems, and they put off getting help. These things are nothing to be ashamed of. Like frequent headaches or stomach pains, they simply are. Suffering from anxiety and depression does not make you less whole than people who don’t (currently) struggle with them.
So be kind to yourself. There’s only one of you in the whole, big world. Treat that person well.